The Plan, part 1

So this past week has been a roller coaster. Actually, more like the past 7 weeks, so I'll start there:

7 weeks ago, I started developing insomnia for the first time in my life. I have never been a great sleeper, but I have always felt rested after I got awake. Until mid-September. For 6 weeks, I averaged 3hrs/night of sleep - and I was getting increasingly irritable. I know... I'm always so sunshiny! Anyway: after 6 weeks of insomnia, I broke down & asked for prescription meds to help. BAD IDEA. Within 15 mins of taking the pills, I was in a full-blown 3-day-long allergic reaction. But I am in the States and didn't trust my health insurance to cover an ER visit, so I rode it out for the night*. I got 1 hour of sleep that night. YAY.

What I realized after (or maybe during?) was that my insomnia did have a trigger: I have also been having panic attacks/mini-breakdowns over the foreign language component of my PhD since mid-September.

I have been seeing a counselor for about a month to help with the PhD anxiety, and in last week's session, I mentioned that I was considering transferring to a PhD in English and we discussed. I decided to at least talk to the English dept - see if it was possible... and not only is it possible, it is WAY easy: one form and $15. So I met with some profs, asked some questions, realized that it would save me at least 6mos on my PhD... and was about 90% decided that I would transfer this week by the time I went in to my night class on Thursday.

Thursday night's classes are always unpredictable. We are never on schedule and the lecturer has had to remove at least 40% of the syllabus because our conversations are always so in-depth. That, and there are 27 graduate students in the class. So I did not expect a 3-hr session on the field of Comparative Lit when I walked into that classroom...

It was amazing. Life-changing. Reaffirming. I walked out of that class knowing that I am supposed to be in Comp Lit. And I have to get over my anxiety and do what it takes to get this degree.

Monday morning I woke up realizing that I have not set foot in the school's language lab yet. So I decided to take that first step, and found out that U of SC is registered with Rosetta Stone - so I spent 3+hrs there and am now on lesson 4 of unit 1 in French, haha! Back to the basics, for serious.

On Monday afternoon, I met with my Comp Lit advisor and told her the above story. By the time I told her that I was staying in the program, she let out a huge sigh and was like, "I was totally prepared for you to say you are leaving!" Then she told me about a summer immersion program in Vermont that she would like for me to check out. It took her a minute to remember the name of the school and all I could think of was "Middlebury" because that is where a cultural theorist/media studies prof named Jason Mittell works - I follow him on twitter and subscribe to his blog. And all of a sudden, my advisor is like, "Middlebury College! That's the name of the school." WHAT? I thought, well, how convenient!

This morning I pulled up the Middlebury College language school website to find out how much the program costs and if it accepts financial aid. As soon as I pulled up the financial aid page, the interoffice mailman came in & my job is to disperse the mail. So I left the page up for when I returned and started delivery.

And the last envelope I encounter is addressed to the Department Chair... from Middlebury College - WHAT???? I told the story to Catherine, the Chair's assistant and lady I desk-sit for over lunch hours. Catherine was like, "well, that's serendipity. This envelope should actually be yours." She opened it and handed me the papers.

I got to my office and started to read the pages. It was an announcement for a fellowship that pays for 100% of the language school summer programs... can I just say now that GOD IS GOOD.??

Now I don't have the fellowship, but WOW.

And if nothing else, I would say that I have confirmation that I am, in fact, supposed to be in Comp Lit!

And that is part one of my PhD plan blog posts.

* I did go to the health center the following day and got help.